


Fight the Dragons

by sam_gamgee



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-20
Updated: 2005-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-11 02:03:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam_gamgee/pseuds/sam_gamgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andrew is moving forward after moving to Cleveland.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fight the Dragons

**Author's Note:**

> There is discussion of past rape.

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering." 

\- from "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman, pages 7-8 

****** 

It had taken them a week to reach Cleveland. It should've only taken them three days, but they had stopped a number of times. First, so they could all get checked out at the first hospital they came across. Then they stopped a number of times along the way to drop off some of the newly-made Slayers at their homes. They also helped others they came across to dispatch a particularly nasty demon and then give them a crash course in slaying. 

During the trip, Andrew withdrew into himself. With nothing else to do on the long trip, memories of what Warren had done to him surfaced and replayed themselves in his mind. While the physical wounds had healed long ago, the emotional ones were still extremely raw, even now, more than a year later. The memory of the physical pain was enough to bring fresh tears to his eyes, which he quickly wiped away lest any of the others saw them, even though he was sure that they would mistake them for tears for the ones they had lost. 

Andrew still couldn't believe Warren's betrayal of his trust and friendship. Warren had known that Andrew would follow him almost anywhere and that he had only raised objections because he didn't want any harm to come to any of them. He could have used any of a number of ways to make sure that Andrew didn't go to the police, why did he have to choose rape? Because it's such a simple and powerful silencer, that's why, a part of his brain replied. Why go for something big and overdone, like magic, when something very personal would do the job? 

Most of the group didn't seem to notice or care that he had stopped babbling and now only gave monosyllabic answers or noncommittal noises whenever they talked to him. And, in a way, Andrew was glad. He didn't want to deal with them when it was hard enough trying to deal with what was going on inside his head. He was vaguely aware that Xander was keeping an eye on him and making sure he slept and ate, but he couldn't really find it in himself to care and was relieved that Xander didn't pry.

 

Once they hit Cleveland, the remainder of the group - Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Giles, Faith, Robin, Xander, Andrew, Amanda, and Rona - pooled the money they had on hand and got a couple of hotel rooms for a few days so they could decide what to do. 

During the ensuing four days, Andrew was thankful he didn't have much time to himself as they scrambled to get a make-shift base of operations set up that would evolve into the U.S. base for the Council. Andrew, Xander, Robin, and Rona decided they would stay in the U.S., since the three men knew they wouldn't be of much help in getting the remainder of the Council to change its mind about a number of things. Rona decided to stay behind since it would benefit the men to have a Slayer who knew, to some extent, what she was doing, and how things felt, while they helped the new Slayers. 

They were able to find two apartments in the same building and bought a used car. Andrew and Rona were able to get jobs at the cafe on the first floor of their building. Xander and Robin also put in applications for jobs - as a general construction supervisor's assistant and as an assistant principal, respectively. 

They also did the best they could to get the word out that they could help "any girl or woman who had a sudden increase in strength and any other unnatural occurrences". 

Willow and Andrew bought computer equipment so they could start a website to help new Slayers by answering questions and giving them advice on how to handle their new-found power. The primary section was for the girls in Cleveland and surrounding suburbs, but they made it clear that anyone could send in questions and that other areas would be covered in the near future. There was also the understanding that Andrew was to take over the website fully when Willow left for England, since she would have her hands full for a while helping Giles. 

Giles, Buffy, Willow, and Faith made arrangements to go to London to reorganize the Council's main office, along with Dawn and Amanda. Giles figured strength in numbers would be good until they were able to assess how much resistance they would get from any remaining Watchers. 

On the first of June, after a somewhat tearful good-bye, Xander, Andrew, Robin and Rona headed to meet with a Slayer. On the way, the foursome passed a girl who looked to be Xander's age yelling, "Stop the violence! Stop the violence!" and thrusting pamphlets into people's hands, including Andrew. 

"Okay," Andrew replied, bewildered, as they kept walking. 

"What is it?" Xander asked. 

"It's a pamphlet about a rape center." Andrew discreetly shoved it into his pocket as they continued. He felt like he had been hit in the center of his chest. Not in a take-your-breath-away sort of way, but more in a "pay attention!" sort of way. But before he could dwell on it too long, they were at the coffee shop. 

The Slayer wasn't hard to pick out once they entered - she was the only one who seemed to take notice of them. She looked to be about Rona's age and her clothes looked a bit worn, but not overly so, and her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She seemed tense and tired, but still very alert, as Andrew saw her eyes flit over each of them. Relief washed over her features as it seemed to dawn on her who they were as they made their way to her and introductions were made. 

"How can we help you, Mara?" Robin asked as they sat down. 

"Well, I heard that you were the ones to talk to about," she hesitated, "you know - *stuff*." 

"Yes, we would be those people," Xander said with a smile as Andrew and Rona tried to stifle giggles. "You'll have to excuse these two, we're used to talking about it more openly. So what can we help you with specifically? Vampires? Something a little bigger and uglier? Possibly a spell or other magic? Sudden super-strength and quicker healing?" 

"Uh..." She suddenly looked overwhelmed. "The last one? And does the sudden urge to kill, kill, kill count?" 

"We can help you with both. Do you live nearby?" 

"A couple bus stops away. You can really help me?" 

"Yep. We can show you how to use your super-strength, safely kill, kill, kill to your heart's content and make the night a little less bumpy while you're doing it." Xander gave her a small smile. 

"When do we start?" 

"Well, we're still getting things set up, but we're over in the Bradley Building on West Sixth Street, whenever you want to stop by. And we'd appreciate it if you could help get the word out." 

"No problem. But I need some time to figure some things out," Mara said as she stood. "Anything else?" 

"Wear a cross, take this," he handed her a stake, "and if you get attacked by anything with fangs and a bumpy forehead, stake it in the heart. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you can do it. If you need any help, you know where to find us. And be careful after dark." 

Mara smiled as she tucked the stake into the waistband of her pants at the small of her back and pulled her shirt over it. "I'll be sure to remember that. It was nice to meet all of you. And thanks."

 

After another two days of being pretty depressed, at least a little angry, and wondering if he should call the Weather Channel about the inner turmoil he was experiencing, the others started to take notice of Andrew's quietness. So he decided to take action. When he got a few minutes to himself, he pulled out the pamphlet he had received on the street and studied it. It listed various rape statistics and how to get help. On the back was the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center's phone numbers, address and hours. After staring at it for a while and debating, Andrew picked up the phone and called. 

"Cleveland Rape Crisis Center, this is Sherry. How may I help you?" a cheerful voice answered the phone. 

"Hi, uh, I'd like to talk with someone," Andrew replied. 

"Would you like to have counseling done or should I transfer you over to our hotline?" 

"Counselling would be good, I think." Andrew knew that what had happenened wouldn't go away just because he had talked with someone on a hotline - not that that wasn't a good option for other things. But if he did, they would probably just tell him to come in for counseling anyway. 

"Okay. There's always someone here during the day, so whenever you want to come over, we can get you set up. Do you know how to get here?" 

An hour later, after walking the short distance to the building, Andrew had to walk around the block a few times to calm his nerves. He knew this was the right thing to do, that things would be better after he started to heal, but...it was still hard. Warren still had a powerful hold over him, even after dying a horrible, point-of-no-return sort of death and more than a year passing between then and now. Andrew had to tell himself a number of times as he was psyching himself up enough to go inside that what he had seen after Warren's death wasn't Warren at all, but the First pretending to be Warren, which had also been defeated - maybe not by his own hands, but at least this time he had helped. 

Andrew finally took a deep breath, entered the unassuming office building, found the right suite and went in. He went up the desk and said, "Hi. I, uh, called earlier. About counselling." 

"Ah, yes," the woman said with a smile. She gave him some paperwork to fill out, after which she asked, "Would you like to speak with a man or a woman?" 

"Man." Andrew wasn't sure why he said that, considering he had been raped by a man. The only feasible explanation was that he hoped that he would get someone like Mr. Giles or Xander. 

"Okay, if you'll wait here, I'll see who's available." She went behind the closed door and returned a moment later with a man who looked to be in his early forties. 'Maybe not Mr. Giles,' he thought, 'but he'll do.' 

"Welcome," the other man said as he offered his hand and said, "Steve Wright." 

"Andrew Wells," Andrew replied, shaking his hand. 

"Nice to meet you, Andrew. Let's go back to my office." Once in the office, Steve said, "Please make yourself comfortable." He shut the door most of the way, leaving it open a crack before saying, "Are you okay with the door being mostly closed?" 

Andrew eyed the door before replying, "Yeah, it's fine." 

He scanned the furniture in the room. A desk was on the opposite side of the room, facing the door with some comfortable looking chairs in front of it. There was a worn couch against the wall perpendicular to the door, with a leather recliner between the couch and the door, angled to face the couch that also looked like it had seen better days. Andrew chose to sit on the end of the couch that was the farthest from both the recliner and the door. 

Steve sat down in the recliner and showed Andrew a small tape recorder. "I hope you don't mind, but I have to record our session as a matter of procedure." 

"That's cool," Andrew replied. 

"Is there anything I can do to make you comfortable, Andrew? Would you like me to tell you about myself?" 

"Sure," Andrew shrugged. 

"I'm a psychologist with a specialty in depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've been working here for the past five years. Prior to that, I worked in Cincinnati for ten years. And, obviously, whatever is said here stays here, unless I think you pose a danger to yourself or others." Andrew nodded. "So, the floor is yours for whatever you'd like to get off your chest." 

Andrew took a couple of deep breaths, suddenly more nervous than he had expected to be, considering how much time he had spent outside getting himself under control. "I was raped when I lived out in California," he suddenly blurted out, his eyes glancing from the wall across from him to Steve before they fixed on the floor. "The final time was a little over a year ago." He took another deep breath and slowly let it out as he rubbed his hands over his knees. "Prior to that, it went on for about a year on a fairly regular basis. He's dead now, but I didn't do it." He looked at Steve and gave him a wan smile. "I feel like I'm at confessional." 

"Do you feel better for telling?" Steve asked neutrally. 

Andrew shrugged. "I don't know. It might take a while for it to sink in." 

Steve nodded. "How do you feel now that you've had some time to deal with it on your own?" 

"I don't know." Andrew idly itched his arm, then held onto the fabric of his shirt sleeve. "I didn't really think about it for a long time. Things were pretty crazy for a long time after it had stopped and when it did cross my mind, I just pushed it away." He paused for a moment, looking up at the wall behind Steve before looking at him. "But when I do think about it, I want to cry. And sometimes yell and break things, but usually cry." 

Steve nodded. "Would you like to set up a schedule for counseling? It would help with the depression and anger." 

"Yeah, I would. I think it's getting to be too much to handle. Plus, I just moved out here about a week ago, and I want it to be a completely fresh start. And I know I can't do that if I'm carrying this around with me." 

Steve crossed to his desk and flipped a few pages in his Day Planner. "Want to start next Tuesday at three on a weekly basis?" 

"Yeah, that sounds good," Andrew replied, also standing and going over to the desk. 

Steve jotted it down in the Planner. "I think we got a good start today." He crossed his office again and opened the door and held out his hand. As Andrew approached and shook it, Steve said, "Have a good week." 

"You too," Andrew replied as he turned to leave. 

"Oh, Andrew, one more thing." Andrew turned back to him. "Even though it's been over a year, you should get checked by a doctor. That way you can be treated for any STDs." 

"Okay. Could you maybe refer me to someone, since I'm new in the area?" 

"Sure." Steve went back to his desk, shuffled some papers and pulled one out of a stack. After glancing over it, he handed it to Andrew.

 

"I got the job," Xander said as he and Andrew surveyed their mismatched furniture the next night. "So we can start getting new furniture when I get paid." 

"That was fast, but cool," Andrew replied. "Is your boss okay with your eye?" 

"Not totally, but he likes the work I've done and my eagerness to do the job. Think we should paint or something?" 

"Something, at least," Andrew replied as he looked at the bare walls. "We got a couple more e-mails. We should do something with them." 

Xander plopped down on the sofa. "I know. I just wish I knew where we could do our training." 

"What about the gym in the basement? Rona says it's got an open area about the size of the one at the Magic Box and no one ever seems to use it." 

"That's a good idea. I know we're all free on Friday at seven. How about then?" 

"Okay. I'll get the word out and be the refreshment guy." 

Xander stood and stretched. "All right. And I'll go tell Robin and Rona. We're going to need to plan this."

 

That Friday they only had a handful of girls, including Mara. The turnout wasn't very surprising, since there hadn't been much time to get the word out. In many ways it was just like dealing with the potentials all over again, yet the girls were more eager to learn. Xander gave them the "Into every generation..." speech he had heard from Giles numerous times, plus told them why things were different now and what they hoped to accomplish. 

Then Robin and Rona showed them a bit of hand-to-hand combat before teaching them some simple blocks and punches. Andrew, true to his word, brought the refreshments and took the girls' information down, so that patrol teams might possibly be coordinated in the future. The girls seemed to enjoy the training session and smiles accompanied even the smallest successes. 

By the end of the following week, the foursome had settled into a routine. They would work during the week, and sometimes Rona and Andrew would work on the weekend. Friday was the designated training night and Saturday was the designated bonding night between the four of them because they didn't want to lose the closeness they'd had in Sunnydale. There were also somewhat regular phone calls between the group in Cleveland and the group in London so everyone could get caught up at the same time and the necessary Council business could be dealt with.

 

Their weekly sessions with the girls were going well and growing as the word spread throughout the area. They also ended up adding another weekly training session for the non-Slayer friends of the girls who wanted to help out. They had girls from all over the city and Andrew was surprised that he recognized a few of them from the Crisis Center. He wasn't sure if they were survivors or simply volunteers and he didn't want to ask, but he was pretty sure at least one or two were survivors. Their confidence and self-esteem seemed to grow as they learned to defend themselves and become scarier than things that were normally the subject of scary stories. 

And knowing that he had something in common with them made him feel a tiny bit better. Even if he wasn't comfortable broaching the subject with any of them, just knowing that they seemed to be moving on gave him a bit of hope. 

They got e-mails on a fairly regular basis from girls in other cities and countries with questions about things they couldn't find on the site, or to thank them for the help. Andrew updated and expanded the site as Willow and Giles sent him information regarding the situations in different countries and, if possible, how to get in contact with trained Watchers or what to do if there wasn't one nearby. The site was also expanding as Willow and Giles had some of the Watchers-in-Training translate the site into other languages to make sure that the information would be as widely available as possible.

 

On a more personal level, Andrew continued his weekly sessions with Steve, who helped him work through the aftershocks of being raped by a trusted friend, as well as the grief over the loss of both Warren, which Steve assured him wasn't uncommon, and Jonathan. The details of each death were kept vague, though Andrew did admit to having played a part in Jonathan's "accidental" death. He also met with a doctor to be checked for STDs. Luckily, he had healed well and the test results came back negative. 

Andrew did have to admit that having someone outside of the group to talk to who was able to help him deal with everything from the anxiety to the helplessness to the anger was a very good thing. There were still times when he was nervous about people getting too physically close to him or moments where he wanted to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and cry. But, overall, he felt much better about himself and was slowly coming to terms with what had happened. 

"You're coming along well, Andrew," Steve said at the end of their last session in July. "And it sounds like you've got a good support system around you now." 

"Do you think I should tell them?" Andrew asked. 

"Do *you* think you should tell them?" Steve responded. 

"Some day, sure. But I don't know. I don't want to lose them." 

"Your fear is understandable, but they may just surprise you. When the time's right, you'll know." Steve gave him a warm smile. "We're going to be starting a new group therapy for men in about two weeks, and I'd like you to think about joining it in addition to our sessions. There's also a number of other things here, like the crisis hotline, that would be happy to have your help, and I think you're ready for it." 

"I'll think about it." 

As he walked home, Andrew's thoughts weren't on the Crisis Center, but on Xander. He was trying to figure out what to do about his friend and roommate. During the past two months they had naturally grown closer, considering they shared an apartment and spent a great deal of their free time together. And even though Andrew was still jumpy about physical contact, he did enjoy the time they spent together and was slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that being touched wasn't always a bad thing. 

Andrew also couldn't help but hope that Xander might actually like him as more than a friend. Even though, as far as he knew, Xander was straight. But he couldn't deny the small gestures and considerations that Xander always seemed to make for and toward him. He knew that this didn't make Xander gay and that Xander had always simply been very intuitive about the needs of those around him. There were times, though, when Andrew wasn't completely sure. More than once, he had caught Xander staring at him, and the older man didn't immediately look away. Or a safe touch that lingered for a little longer than necessary, but never long enough to set off Andrew's internal alarm. 

Andrew had to admit he did have something of a crush on Xander, though it might be closer to hero worship. Even though Xander had lost an eye, he always seemed to know the right answer for everything, the solution to fix things, the right thing to say to a Slayer or one of her friends, or even to him, Andrew. But whatever it was, crush or idol worship, Andrew felt safe with Xander and liked being with him a lot, and he always enjoyed seeing Xander happy.

 

A week later, Andrew woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and gasping for air. As his breathing slowed, he noticed Xander was leaning against the doorframe. 

"Everything all right?" Xander asked. 

Andrew nodded as his breathing returned to normal. "I'm sorry for waking you," he replied. 

"Don't worry about it. We all have bad dreams. Want to talk about it?" 

Andrew shrugged. He knew that if he did, it would lead into telling about Warren and then Xander would push him away. But if he didn't, he knew that even though Xander would stay his friend, he wouldn't be able to get his mind off the dream. And he knew that, as Steve kept reminding him, Warren now only had as much power as Andrew gave him and he was sick of being powerless. 

He decided to take a chance. "It was more of a memory of stuff with Warren. You can come in, if you'd like." 

Xander came in and sat at the foot of the bed. "I thought you enjoyed the mayhem and destruction." 

"Some of it, I did. But there was other...stuff that wasn't quite as cool." 

"'The real story of Andrew Wells, evil mastermind extraordinaire, details at 2:30 am'," Xander quipped as he stretched on his back, feet towards the pillows and head pillowed on his hands against the footboard. 

Andrew gave him a half-hearted smile. "Please, don't." 

"I'm sorry." Xander instantly sobered. "I hadn't meant..." He trailed off. "Please, continue, if you want." 

"Well, there's no good or easy way to say it, so here it is." Andrew paused to take a deep breath and lick his lips, steeling himself for Xander's censure. "I was raped a number of times by Warren. And the dream was just a bunch of memories." 

"The bastard," Xander said vehemently, sitting up. Touching Andrew's knee, he said, "How are you doing? Is there anything I can do?" 

Andrew shrugged. "I'm doing okay. I'm getting therapy at the Rape Crisis Center a few blocks away. And you can be my friend." 

"I can do that." 

"Good, because I need it." 

"But are you sure there's nothing else I can do?" 

"No," Andrew replied firmly, even though the idea of having Xander work out a way to deal with this was tempting. "Just be supportive and don't try to run my life or fix things - unless I ask you to." 

"Okay, I'll try. You sure you don't want to talk about it some more?" 

"You better." Andrew smiled. "But not at 2:30 in the morning. Now get back to bed so you can get up for work."

 

"I told Xander," Andrew said as his introductory remark the next day at therapy. 

"How'd he take it?" Steve asked. 

"Really well. I think he wishes he could do more." 

"That's how it usually is with us outsiders. Are you satisfied that you told him?" 

"Yeah, I am." And Andrew genuinely did feel better. Now that the rapes weren't hanging between him and Xander, he didn't feel quite as on edge, afraid of what would happen if Xander, Robin, and Rona had found out from someone else. He knew that Xander wouldn't say anything to the other two or the girls, and let him do it at his own discretion. 

"Do you have feelings towards him?" 

"I don't know. I guess so. He's a great guy - and straight, even though I feel like I'm getting signals from him every once in a while." 

"Do you think he does it intentionally? And do you mind that he does it?" 

"I don't know, really. But no, I don't mind. It's kind of nice, actually, in a 'maybe there's still hope' sort of way." Andrew looked at Steve questioningly. "Is it okay to have a crush on him?" 

Steve smiled. "Yes, it's okay to have a crush on him. I would advise you, though, to be careful in pursuing a relationship. Not that you can't, or shouldn't, be happy whenever possible. Just make sure that you're ready for a relationship and go into it because it's good for you, not because it's convenient and allows you to shy away from being healed." 

"Okay."

 

Andrew became more involved with the Rape Crisis Center and took the training session so that he could help out with the Hotline. While it wasn't easy, it was therapeutic in a way since he knew he was able to help others. 

"Hey," Miranda said one day in late August as she turned in her chair between phone calls. She was another rape survivor that Andrew had met at the Center, who was involved in practically everything there. "A bunch of us are going to put on a show of the Vagina Monologues as a fundraiser and to help raise awareness. Want to help?" 

Andrew leaned back in his chair, partially interested. "Sure. But isn't that supposed to be a girl thing?" 

"Yeah, normally." She shrugged nonchalantly. "But I've seen guys perform in it, too. You could even write your own monologue, if you wanted." 

Andrew started to fidget in his seat and roll his pen around. "I don't know about the whole monologue thing." 

She shrugged as she pulled the hairband out of her hair to fix her ponytail. "That's cool. You don't have to unless you want to. Just let us know in time, okay?" 

"Okay." Andrew had to admit that his interest was piqued. "So, what do you want me to do?" 

"Are you good with organization and responsibility?" 

"Yeah." 

"Are you a good people person?" 

"I...guess so." 

"Want to be stage manager?" 

Andrew raised his eyebrows. "I don't know if I'm *that* good." 

Miranda waved a hand dismissively. "It should be a piece of cake. Since it's monologues, you'll mostly just have to make sure the girls know when the few group practices will be and making sure everything's in order backstage." 

Andrew leaned forward and rested his chin in his hands. "And when is it happening?" 

Her phone rang. "There's an interest meeting Sunday night, seven p.m.," she said before answering it.

 

"I heard you had a nightmare a while back," Rona said the following Saturday night as the four friends were setting up a Monopoly board in Xander and Andrew's apartment. "Are you still having them?" 

"It was just some stuff with Warren," Andrew replied, a bit reluctant to say, even though he did want to get it off his chest. 

"You don't have -," Xander said quietly. 

"I know," Andrew cut him off and looked at him pointedly. "But I want to." He took a deep breath as he finished organizing the money before looking at Robin and Rona. "The back story's that before the First, I hung out with these two guys - Warren and Jonathan - and we did some kind of bad stuff. It wasn't that bad in the beginning, but when it did get bad, I tried to get Warren, who was the leader, to stop and he raped me. He did it a few more times before he was killed by Willow for killing Tara. The nightmare was a bunch of memories." Telling what had happened was easier this time. It still hurt, but it wasn't as scary as when he had told Steve or Xander - probably because of the therapy and because Xander hadn't turned him away. 

"That's evil," Rona replied. "Why didn't you go to the police or something?" 

"Because I would've gotten in trouble for what I did with them. And I didn't want Jonathan getting in trouble. Plus, I would probably get the one cop who hates gays and thinks that it's justice if we get raped, even -" Andrew took another deep breath, a bit of fear creeping in at the thought of a "what if?", and Xander put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. 

"When it's not about sex or sexual orientation, it's about power," Robin replied quietly. 

Andrew nodded, thankful that he understood. "And before anyone asks, I'm doing okay. I didn't catch anything from him and I'm in therapy now." 

"If there's anything we can do, let us know, okay?" Robin asked. 

Andrew nodded as Rona said, "Warren better be glad he's dead, or I'd go back there and kick his ass, hole in the ground or not." 

"Thanks." Andrew smiled, unable to express exactly how he felt at his friends' acceptance.

 

As Andrew was getting ready to go to the interest meeting the following evening, Xander asked, "Out for another walk?" 

"Yeah. There's an interest meeting over at the Crisis Center for the Vagina Monologues and I think I got drafted to be the stage manager," Andrew replied with a smile. 

Xander stood. "Mind if I tag along? Might be a good idea to see if they have some stuff on how not to put your foot in your mouth around survivors, since none of us want to." 

Andrew grinned, happy that they were taking an interest in him. "That'd be great." 

When they got to the building, Xander came to a halt in the lobby. "I'll wait for you here." 

"You sure?" Andrew smiled. "They won't bite or anything." 

"I'm sure. I'd feel weird." 

Andrew shrugged. "It's up to you. I'll see you back here then." 

"Feel up to some patrolling?" Xander asked when they left the building an hour and a half later. 

"Sure," Andrew replied. "It's been a while since I've been cornered by a vamp and needed you to save me." 

"I think my sarcasm meter just broke." 

"No, seriously. I like seeing you do the superhero thing." 

Xander smiled. "Really?" 

"Really." 

You know, I think that's the first geek reference I've heard you make since we crossed California's state line." 

"It probably was. Well, when you're stuck in a universe you didn't create..." Andrew trailed off. 

"And there's another. Are we going for the obscure ones tonight like Captain Eyepatch and Howard the Duck?" 

Andrew laughed. "Howard, sure. Captain Eyepatch? Not sure I've heard of him." 

"I think maybe something's more necessary than patrolling. Let's get some ice cream," Xander said as they came to an ice cream parlor. 

Xander waited until they had started eating their ice cream, before speaking again. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" 

"Sure," Andrew replied, hoping it wasn't anything weird. 

"How'd you know you were gay?" 

Andrew swallowed a bite of ice cream. "I wanted the guys from 'My Two Dads' to get together from the beginning. My mom was very amused when we saw the first episode and during the first commercial break I announced that they were going to get together. I was always more interested in them than in the girl." He took another bite. "So are we going to play '20 Questions' or something?" he asked lightly. 

"If you want," Xander replied. "I would like to get to know you better. Even though we've been living together for a while now, I still feel like I don't *really* know you." 

"Yeah, I know what you mean. If you don't mind me asking, what happened if you thought Anya was the one?" 

"A demon. It made me think that Anya and I were going to end up like my parents. And I loved - love - her too much to let that happen. Plus, I was scared of turning into my dad. So I stood her up at the wedding." He ate a glob of chocolate syrup. "So, are you *out* out, or what?" 

"Not at home, I wasn't. Although, I didn't try to pretend I was straight. People thought what they thought. I think Larry knew, though. And we hung out a few times, so I didn't get hassled - much." He ate some whipped cream. "Why didn't you two get back together if it was the demon's fault you didn't go through with the wedding?" 

Xander shrugged. "Things were different after that. We probably could've made it work again, but we were just too scared. I still loved her a lot, but I guess we weren't meant for forever." He hesitated before asking, "Do you think you'll ever get involved with someone?" 

Andrew gave a half-hearted, one shoulder shrug. "I guess so. I'm not in any real rush and he'd have to be pretty understanding and pretty special after everything that's happened." Andrew thought he saw a flicker of something cross Xander's face as he took a sip of soda, but it was gone in a second. "Think you'll ever date again?" 

"Maybe. Like you said, it'd have to be someone pretty special." 

Andrew felt a glimmer of hope. "Someone" was pretty broad. Was Xander hinting that he had a chance?

 

"Am I that 'pretty special someone'?" Andrew blurted out the next morning as they were eating breakfast before heading to work. 

"What?" Xander almost dropped the sugar dispenser, which he was still using to boost his coffee's kick, and Andrew could tell by the expression that had quickly crossed Xander's face that he had definitely been caught off-guard. "What makes you say that?" 

"I don't know. It just seems like there's been a lot of possible evidence in that direction and I just want to get it out on the table before it drives either one, or both, of us crazy." 

"I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, I didn't mean to." 

Andrew smiled. "Don't worry - you didn't. So?" 

"I don't know. I *do* think you're a great guy." He sighed. "I just don't know." He took a bite of his cereal, not looking at Andrew. "I'm not worried about the whole gay thing, but I think I am scared because it's out of my comfort zone." He took another bite of his Cocoa Puffs and chewed them slowly as he thought over what to say next. "I don't know if you're the 'pretty special someone', but I guess maybe I do like you like that in some sort of way. I worry about you - more than I do about most people. Even before I knew all of this stuff, I did. And I know I want to make you happy." He sighed, shrugged, and gave Andrew a small smile. "I don't know." 

Andrew took a bite of toast before smiling and replying. "I know now isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship, but..." He trailed off and took another bite as the truth hit him. Then, more seriously, he added, "But, then again, no time probably ever will be good for me now." 

"I know what you mean." Xander took a drink of coffee. "I don't - I don't want you to think that because I said I think I like you that we have to get together. It might be nice one day after we sort ourselves out and decide *then* that it would be a good idea, if we're still on the same page. Are you okay with that? I don't want you to feel obligated or that you have to wait for me or anything because I'm your friend, or because I've been nice to you or something." 

Andrew nodded. "Yeah, I am. Are *you*? I'm not exactly in mint condition." 

"Yeah, I am." Xander smiled. "And the ones that aren't in mint condition are usually better anyway - higher sentimental value."

 

That evening, the shift at the Crisis Center was pretty slow. The girls chatted as they waited for the phones to ring. Andrew tuned out their chatter while he waited for his next call. He was surprised at how much things had changed since coming to Cleveland. Things had been hard: moving away from the only home he had ever known, losing all of his things, having his family leave and not tell him where they were going, hoping that he wouldn't get dumped from the bus, carving out a new life in Cleveland, and dealing with the rapes. 

But even after everything, Andrew felt much better about himself and happier than he had been in years. He was finally being true to himself and not hiding who he was. He obviously wasn't going to go around proclaiming that he was gay or that he had been raped, but he wasn't going to deny those parts of himself anymore, either. Other parts of himself were being shed, as well. While he still enjoyed some comic books, there was no way that he was going to go back to being such a geek. The associated memories were too painful and he had never been very interested in most of them to begin with. 

Grabbing a nearby piece of blank paper and a pen, Andrew began to write his monologue. He wanted to take a stand, let the world - or at least a tiny part of Cleveland - know that he wasn't going to just lie down and take it anymore.

 

"What's going on with you and Xander?" Rona asked during a mutual break at work two weeks later. 

"What do you mean?" Andrew asked. 

"You two just seem really close." She snagged a couple of his peanut M&Ms. "And sometimes when we're together, it seems like you two are communicating telepathically. You two didn't get messed up by a demon, did you?" 

Andrew took a sip of her soda. "No, we didn't. I guess it's because of the whole living together thing." 

"Are you two *together* together?" 

"Are you and Robin '*together* together'?" he easily deflected. 

She frowned. "God, no. He's, like, old. Besides, I think he and Faith are doing the long distance thing. So, are you?" 

"Just because we live together doesn't mean we *are* together." 

"I know. But you've never been very subtle about who you liked before." 

Andrew laughed. "I know. But no. We're not - not now, anyway." 

"So you might?" 

"What's up with the twenty questions?" 

"I guess I'm just worried about you. I think I figured if I knew that you were doing something normal, I'd know you were okay." 

"I am doing something normal. I'm getting help." 

"I didn't mean it like that." 

"I know." Andrew took a deep breath. "But it's hard enough as it is. Not that you shouldn't worry, or talk to me about it, but.... Normal kind of goes out the window with something like this." 

"And I want you to feel free to talk about it if you want, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything." 

Andrew smiled. "Thanks. And I don't talk about it because what can you say? I talk about it with Steve, and that helps." He ate the last M&M. "I'm getting through it."

 

That Saturday, after spending the afternoon shopping for fall clothing, the four of them decided to go to a late movie for their night together. As they watched the movie, Xander gently put a hand on top of Andrew's, which was resting on the armrest between them. Andrew reflexively stiffened for a second, but then relaxed when he realized that he wasn't in any sort of danger. 

He tried to concentrate on the movie after that, but it was hard. The feel of Xander's hand on his felt good. It made him feel...safe. It was weird, being able to feel comfortable with physical contact that wasn't absolutely necessary. He wanted to analyze it, figure out why he felt safe with Xander, while any other guy that even remotely resembled Warren physically still made him very cautious and want to hide. But the only thing his brain could come up with was, "This is good, so don't fight it," so he didn't. 

When they got back to the apartment, Xander said, "Are you okay?" as Andrew went into the kitchen to get a drink. 

"Yeah, why?" Andrew asked as he put the empty glass down. 

"I just wanted to make sure, since what I did earlier was kind of spontaneous." 

Andrew smiled. "I actually kind of liked it." 

"Really?" Xander asked as he closed the distance between himself and Andrew. 

Andrew's smile widened. "Yeah. I must be finally getting over the stuff with Warren." 

"Must be." Xander gently put his hand on Andrew's cheek just as he leaned in to kiss him. Andrew forcefully pushed him back and fled from the kitchen. 

After waiting a few moments, Xander headed toward the bedrooms. "Andrew?" he called. 

"Go away," came the muffled response from Andrew's room. 

"I'm sorry," Xander said softly as he stopped outside of Andrew's closed door. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It seemed like you were okay with things earlier. I guess I assumed you would be okay with a kiss, since you seemed to be doing all right." 

"I thought I was, too," came the shaky response. "But then you leaned in and everything with Warren came back and it was like, 'if he's close enough to kiss me, he's close enough to -'" Andrew cut himself off and let out a small sob. "And I didn't want to think that, not about you. You're supposed to be safe, Xander. And for a second, you weren't." There was another sob and a quieter, "You weren't." 

Xander was at a loss for what to do. He didn't want to exasperate the situation, but at the same time he wanted to make Andrew feel better and know he was still the safe one. "May I come in?" he finally asked. He thought he heard movement, but couldn't tell what it was. "Was that a yes or a no?" 

"Yes," came the soft reply. 

Xander went in and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed, as far away from Andrew as possible. "I really am sorry." 

"I know." Andrew took a deep breath and uncurled from against the corner, but otherwise didn't move except to wipe his eyes with his shirt sleeve. "I do want it, Xander, I really do." 

"And I'm willing to be patient. I know it's not going to suddenly happen, as much as I would like it to." He gave Andrew a smile. "I'd rather you be happy, whole, and safe than anything else. And if that means I have to wait a long time, I will. Or if it means I never get to be with you, that's okay, too." 

Andrew shook his head. "Don't wait for me. I'm not worth it." 

"Yes, you are. You're a pretty amazing guy, Andrew. You've survived Sunnydale, for one thing. That's an amazing feat in and of itself." 

Andrew smiled softly. "Don't you get tired of always being so optimistic?" 

"No, not really." Xander smiled. "Sometimes it's the only thing I can be. Besides, I've seen enough to know you'll be able to conquer this and live happily ever after." 

"You think so?" 

Xander grinned. "I know so." 

There was a few moments of silence before, "Xander?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Tell me a story about this happily ever after." 

"Well, let's see." Xander laid on his side on the bed, propping himself up on his arm and drawing his legs up on the bed. "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a beautiful young prince. One day, during one of his secret outings into the city beyond the castle walls, he met some ruffians. Tired of his life in the castle, he decided to join them. For a while it was fun and he was able to do things he had only dreamed about behind the castle walls and under his father's watchful eye. But then they started doing things he didn't like. He tried to leave and go back to the castle, but his companions wouldn't let him and tied him up so he couldn't escape. 

"Things were looking pretty hopeless for the prince. Not only was he being held captive by ruffians who didn't know his true identity, but he had heard whispers from the citizens that the king, his father, believed he was dead and was in deep mourning. It grieved him to know he had hurt his father so and wished even more that he could go home. 

"One day, after the ruffians had captured a large booty and had fallen into a drunken stupor from their celebration, his luck turned. A knight slipped into where the ruffians had been hiding and found him. He freed the young prince from his bonds before killing the ruffians. When he took the young prince home, there was much rejoicing." 

"Yay," Andrew deadpanned, but enjoying the story. "So what happened next?" 

"The king told the knight that, as his reward, he would grant him whatever he asked. The knight requested that the injured prince be allowed to heal under his care and the king assented. For not only was the prince hurt physically from the ropes that bound him and the ruffians' violent nature, but he had also been starved and, because of how he had been treated, was skittish around people. 

"Over numerous months, the knight carefully nursed the young prince back to health. During this time, the two became very close and fell in love. Once the prince had fully recovered, a feast was held in his honor. At the feast, he proclaimed his love for the knight. There was much rejoicing among the land and they lived happily ever after." 

Andrew smiled, feeling somewhat calmer. "That's a nice story." There was another pause as Andrew tried to work through the still somewhat unsettled turmoil of his emotions. "Stay with me tonight? I don't know if I can fight the dragons alone again." 

"Whatever you want. Where would you like me to sleep?" 

"Up here with me." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure." Maybe not completely, but enough that he wanted to try it and see what it felt like. Xander laid next to Andrew on his double bed and soon they were both asleep. 

The next morning, Andrew woke slowly. He was curled against Xander, with Xander's arm around the smaller man. He had to admit it felt good, comfortable. It was warm and safe. Before he went any further with that line of thought, Andrew felt a kiss against his hair before Xander's body slowly eased away from him. 

"Good morning," Xander said quietly. "Did you sleep well?" 

"Yeah," Andrew replied. "You?" 

"Yeah." There was a slight pause. "So I guess you're okay after last night?" 

"Yeah, I think so. Or, at least back to my pre-outburst normal." 

"Good."

 

About a month later, Andrew and Miranda were chatting in the hallway of the Crisis Center as they waited for Xander to come walk Andrew home. 

"I think you should come," Miranda said, swinging her feet from where she sat on the table. 

"I'll think about it. I've never been much of a party person." 

"Well, it's not like it's a rave or anything. There's usually music, dancing, food, costumes - stuff like that. It's just a chance for us to have a good time." She put the paper crown that Ronny had picked up when he went to get them food from Burger King on Andrew's head. "What do you think?" she asked Xander as he approached them. 

"About what?" he asked. 

"Andrew coming to our Halloween party as a prince." 

Xander smiled. "I think he'd make a great prince. Can anybody come to this shindig?" 

"Yep, so you should all come. It'll be here on Halloween." 

"What time?" 

"Eight until whenever." 

Xander looked at Andrew. "I think we can swing that, don't you?" 

"Yeah, I think so," Andrew replied with a smile. 

Miranda hopped off the table. "Cool. Do you guys need a ride?" she asked as the three of them began heading out of the building. 

"Nah, we're only a couple blocks away," Andrew replied. 

"You're sure?" 

"We're sure. Good night, Miranda." 

"Good night, sweetie." She gave him a hug. "And good night to you too, Xander." She hugged him as well. As Miranda and Xander hugged, Andrew couldn't help but think that things were definitely good at that moment in his life.

 

After their training session on Halloween, Andrew and some of the girls got dressed and went to the party. Xander promised to attend after he finished cleaning up. 

About an hour later, there was a tap on Andrew's shoulder. He turned from the people he was talking with to see a masked knight standing behind him. 

"Care to dance, my lord?" the knight asked as a slow song came on. 

"I would love to, sir knight," Andrew replied with a smile, sensing a close familiarity emanating from him, which made him drop the tiniest bit of his guard. He excused himself and followed the knight to the dance floor. They assumed a traditional dance pose. 

After quietly dancing for a while, the knight said, "Is there any thing my lord wishes of me?" 

"I can think of a few dragons that need to be fought," Andrew replied, grinning, almost certain he knew who the masked knight was, and therefore feeling more comfortable with pushing the limit of how he would normally act. 

"Just fought? Wouldn't my lord like them slayed?" 

"Well, yes, slayed *would* be preferred, but I think that that's more of a two-man operation. Perhaps we could do it together?" 

"That sounds like a truly worthy adventure, my lord." The song ended and the knight kissed the back of Andrew's hand. "Thank you, my lord," he said before moving away. 

"Wait," Andrew said as he grabbed the other man's arm, wanting to know if his suspicions were correct. "Won't you let me see your face?" 

"If my lord wishes it." 

"I do." As the knight reached for his visor, Andrew changed his mind and quickly said, "Stop. No. No, I don't." He had decided that keeping the knight's identity a mystery would be more fun. 

"Are you sure, my lord?" There was a hint of uncertainty in the knight's voice. 

"Yes, I am. Thank you for your kindness, sir knight." Even though he didn't see the knight for the rest of the evening, Andrew spent the rest of the party in a bit of a happy daze.

 

Andrew returned to the apartment a few hours later after being dropped off by Miranda. Xander was curled up on the couch reading a magazine. 

"Did you enjoy yourself?" he asked, looking up as he turned a page. 

"Yeah," Andrew replied as he took off his crown. "Didn't see you there." 

"I'm sorry I didn't come talk to you. Miranda got a hold of me almost as soon as I walked in the door and kept introducing me to people." 

"Did you have fun?" 

"I did. You volunteer with some pretty cool people." 

"Yeah, they're really cool. So, what'd you dress up as?" Andrew asked, almost sure he knew. He sat down on the other end of the couch and pulled one leg up underneath him. 

Xander dropped the charade and blatantly eyed Andrew's costume. "I'll give you three guesses." 

Andrew's brow furrowed. "Then why didn't you come back over, you know, later? Or stay?" 

"Partly because I got caught up with Miranda and partly because that's your turf more than mine. I didn't want you to feel like I was crowding you." 

"You wouldn't have been crowding me. It would've been nice to hang out with you." 

"I know, but we hang out a lot and we *do* live together." He sighed and shut his magazine. "Don't think I was - or am - trying to push you away. I just didn't want you to feel hindered by me shadowing you." 

"I really wouldn't have minded." Andrew giggled. "Then I could have introduced you as my knight in shining armor." Xander smiled at that. 

There was a comfortable break in the conversation as they both stared at each other. Then Andrew moved toward Xander. When Andrew was close enough, Xander pulled so Andrew was sitting in his lap, legs over the side of the sofa. Their mouths met tentatively at first, carefully testing the waters. Andrew deepened the kiss, but kept it chaste as his arms snaked around Xander's neck. He felt Xander's hands come to rest on him, one on his knee and the other gently against the small of his back. 

And, for once, he didn't want to move away. The kiss felt good, comfortable, and full of expectation. Yet, deep down, Andrew knew it just wasn't time yet. He slowly broke off the kiss and leaned against both the back of the couch and Xander. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," Andrew finally said. 

"Why not?" Xander asked, sounding confused. 

"Because I don't want to start anything just yet." He looked at Xander. "I mean, I want to, but I don't think I'm completely ready to do the relationship thing. This was just one of those moments, you know? Kind of like in the movies where you can't not do it, no matter what happens next." He let one hand slide down to cover Xander's hand. "But I am getting a lot better. I'm actually saying this as me, not as still-afraid-of-my-shadow-me, even if I probably always will be. I just want to be me for a while. You know what I mean?" 

"Yeah, I do," Xander replied. "Even though I've been apart from Anya for over a year, there was always that hope that we'd get back together. For a long time, I always thought as 'me and Anya,' or 'Anya and I,' or whatever's more grammatically correct." He smiled. "And I even sometimes do that now, after...you know." 

Andrew smiled. "Be careful, Xander Harris. If you keep this up, I just might fall in love with you." 

"I think I could handle that."

 

A month and a half later, Steve said, "Your progress has been quite amazing over the past six and a half months, Andrew." 

"I hope that's good." 

"It is. I wish more people had your tenacious spirit." He looked down at his notes. "You've seemed hesitant, though, to discuss your feelings for Xander. Care to discuss that now?" 

Andrew shrugged. "I don't know. I like him a lot. Might even be in love with him." 

"But?" Steve asked after a pause. 

"Well, obviously I'm still working through everything I went through with Warren and I don't want to get into a relationship with someone until I think I'm in a good place - or, at least, a better place - than I am now. I want to figure out who I am and be me for a while, not 'I am who I am because of this person'. Does that make sense?" 

"Yes, but continue if you wish." 

"Well, like I've told you before, in high school, and for the past few years, I acted a certain way because I thought people viewed me a certain way and I wanted to be accepted. And while that was partly me, it wasn't totally me. Then the rapes happened and I tried to change so that I would stay safe. I want to figure out who *I* am, not who I am in relation to other people. I don't want to be a chameleon anymore." 

"And do you think that Xander sees you in a certain way?" 

"I don't know. He knows me from California, so he knows that me, but since we moved out here and moved in together, he's also seen everything that's happened to me. So I'm not exactly sure how he sees me. He's very supportive, though. He's told me he's interested in me, but he doesn't pressure me to speed things up." 

Andrew sighed. "I guess the biggest thing, though, is trying to reconcile how *I* see him. At one point when we were back in California, he made a joke about becoming gay after a lot of bad luck with women, but he did have a really good relationship with Anya, although it didn't work out in the end. I guess my biggest issue or whatever is that his whole turning gay thing is just a transference, since I was with Anya when she died." 

"Have you talked to Xander about this?" 

Andrew shook his head. "I don't know how to bring it up to him." He looked at Steve as he pulled on his shoes. "That'll be my assignment for the week, won't it?" 

"At least think about it. I'll see you next week." 

Instead of going straight home, Andrew zipped up his coat and went for a walk. He did like Xander - *a lot*. He liked the way he smiled, the way he laughed, his sense of humor, his strength, even the way he stumbled around the bathroom in the morning. And even though he desperately wanted to know what it was like to be in love and be loved in return, he couldn't bring himself to take that next step and say 'yes' to Xander. He knew it was partly because he wanted to define himself for a while. And he also knew a major part was what he had told Steve - he wasn't exactly sure why Xander was suddenly gay and wanting him. Steve was right - he needed to talk with Xander.

 

"Anybody home?" Xander called when he got home later that day. 

"Yeah," Andrew replied from the couch, where he had been working on his monologue. "Can we talk?" 

"Sure," Xander replied as he plopped down on the couch with a smile. "Should I be worried?" 

"I don't think so." Andrew dropped the notebook and pen onto the floor. "I just..." He paused. "I just don't understand something and I hope you don't mind me asking about it." 

"Shoot." 

"What's up with you being gay? I thought you and Anya really loved each other. And I'm sure you've had other girlfriends." 

Xander sighed before smiling. "I still haven't figured that one out yet. I don't see myself as being completely gay, but bisexual doesn't exactly fit either. All I know is that things have changed and you're the one that I want now. Anya and I did love each other and I do still love her; I'm sure I always will. But that obviously wasn't meant to be. And a lot of gay people have had lovers, partners, wives, husbands, whatever of the opposite sex before coming out, so I don't think that that has anything to do with this. Why do you ask?" 

"I don't know." Andrew picked at a loose thread on his sleeve. "I'm sure you could get anyone you wanted - man, woman, or demon. I just don't get why it's me you're interested in." 

"You're a really interesting guy, Andrew. You may not be comfortable with the idea yet, but I think that you're definitely worth pursuing and I'm sure that others see you that way too - in a very good way." Xander playfully tugged on the hem of Andrew's jeans to get his attention. "Whether it's from me or any other knight in shining armor who takes your fancy." 

"So it has nothing to do with the fact that I was with Anya when she died?" 

"Nope. None at all. I was worried that seeing her die was the reason you were so withdrawn after the battle, so I kept an eye on you. And, as I watched you, things just kind of grew from there." 

"That's good to know," Andrew replied with a soft smile.

 

The next few days were a blur of activity as Christmas shopping was finished, gifts were wrapped, trees were decorated, and Christmas cookies were made - the last courtesy of Rona and Andrew, though Robin and Xander did help a bit. They were surprised to receive numerous Christmas cards from all over the world wishing them a variety of happy holidays and thanking them for the help provided by the website. The foursome also planned to have a Christmas get-together with friends in Xander and Andrew's apartment.

 

On Christmas morning, Robin and Rona came up to their apartment for brunch and presents. As Andrew and Robin made the food, Rona and Xander set the bar. After they finished, the foursome gathered next to the Christmas tree to exchange gifts. 

"I hope you like it," Xander said as Andrew unwrapped a copy of the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD. "I remembered you said you liked the movie a lot." 

Andrew smiled. "Yeah, I do. Thanks." 

Rona gave Andrew a home-made CD and Robin gave him a gift certificate to the nearby mall. 

Later that day, there was a group phone call with the gang in England, wishing each other a Merry Christmas. They made plans to have Buffy, Giles, Willow, Faith, and some of the Watchers-in-training come for a visit in February. That way, the Watchers could meet some of the new Slayers and the Slayers could meet some of their potential Watchers.

 

Just over a month and a half later, and a week before the show, Miranda and Andrew had a dress rehearsal with the rest of the cast. Most of it was figuring exits and entrances, where the girls would sit on the stage, making sure they knew what order they were going in, practicing the group monologue, and letting the girls get a feel for the space. Aside from a few small problems that came up, Andrew had a good time and began to get excited about the show. 

"How's the monologue coming?" Miranda asked Andrew during a break. 

"It's done," he said with a smile. "Mostly just trying to memorize it now." 

"Cool. I can't wait to hear it. When are your friends coming?" 

"They're flying in on Monday and they'll be staying until the twenty-second." 

"Just in time for the show," she said with a smile. 

"Always thinking about filling the seats, aren't we?" Andrew asked with a chuckle. 

"Mock my activism, but you know it works." 

"Yes, it does." Andrew knew first hand how her activism worked, having been on both the receiving and giving ends.

 

Renting a van and picking everyone up at the airport that Monday went without a hitch. There was a lot of hugging and exclamations as everyone was introduced and the Sunnydale group tried to get caught up all at once. After the arrivals crashed at their hotel for a few hours, they all went out for dinner. 

During an informal "meet and greet" a few days after their arrival, the London group got to meet their American counterparts. There was a small demonstration of the skills the Slayers had learned and the girls learned more about what an actual Watcher did.

 

"I just don't see why it's such a big deal," Andrew heard Buffy say as he left his bedroom after getting a shower the next day. He paused on the bathroom side of the wall that ran along the kitchen. 

"A bunch of the Slayers are involved and it would mean a lot to them if you came, since you are kind of the 'head honcho'," Xander replied calmly. 

"I'm sorry, Xander. I saw the show when I was in college and it didn't really do much for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women's solidarity and taking back the night and whatever, but I don't think me not going is really going to be a blow against them." 

"Andrew's involved." 

"What?" Andrew heard Buffy make a noise of disbelief. "What's he got to do with it? It's not like he was raped or assaulted or anything." 

"Actually, he was." 

"Riiight. By who? His imaginary friend?" 

"By Warren." 

"I don't believe you. It's not like men get raped. And, they were, like, best friends. Warren might've been evil, but..." There was a pause. "I've got to go. I told some of the girls I'd show them how to do some moves." 

"Buffy, wait. Will you please -" The rest was drowned out by the pair going outside and the door shutting behind them. 

Andrew took a couple of calming breaths as he made his way into the living room and sank down on the couch as he steeled himself against the the hurt welling up inside of him. He knew that he was in no real danger, but knowing that someone he looked up to wasn't willing to help protect a group of people - no matter how small - was heartbreaking. Andrew knew Buffy had never liked him very much and such a reaction wasn't necessarily personal and should be expected, but it still hurt a lot. As he took a few more deep breaths, he guessed he should get used to it, since that would probably be the same reaction he'd get from most people. 

When Xander came in a few minutes later, he looked sheepish and asked, "How much did you hear?" 

"Enough," Andrew replied blankly. "So she's not coming?" 

"Actually, she is. Some of the girls met us on the way out and asked her to come. I don't think she could exactly say no and save face." Xander sat down on the couch and put a hand on Andrew's knee. "I'm sorry you had to hear that." 

"It's okay. I should probably get used to it. Buffy isn't the only one who thinks that way." 

"But it's not okay - which you know." 

"I do, even if it still hurts." 

"Andrew?" Xander's pointed tone made Andrew look up at him. 

Andrew's hands unintentionally twisted together. "It's just - hearing Buffy say that men don't get raped and knowing that there are so many people who think that way really hurts and I wish there was something I could do about it, but going up against something *that* big just makes me feel so powerless. And I don't like that." 

"None of us do. I felt that way about the First. If it's the end-all of evil how are we supposed to defeat it? Especially when it was almost impossible for us to defeat one of its minions." Xander smiled and patted Andrew's knee. "But we did. And if we can do that, I *know* you'll be able to get through your darks spots *and* kick some ass on the ignorance front." 

Andrew laughed, his outlook having brightened just by talking with Xander. "Thanks. You always seem to know what to say to make me feel better." 

Xander smiled. "It's my super power."

 

On the day of the production, Andrew was a nervous wreck and convinced that everything was going to go wrong. He calmed down a bit after getting into the theatre, but that was at least partially due to Miranda telling him she would tie him to a chair if he didn't stay still for at least five seconds at a time. 

"Are you *sure* everything will be fine?" Andrew asked through his headset as he made last minute adjustments after giving the half hour announcement. 

"For the fiftieth time, *yes*," Miranda replied with a laugh. "The show's gonna be great, you'll be great, everything will be great. Okay, go give the fifteen minute warning." 

The first half of the show went well and Andrew was actually able to calm down. Xander slipped back stage during the intermission to say hi and see how things were going. 

After the second half started, Andrew said to him, "I don't think I can do it." 

"Sure you can," Xander replied. "You'll be great." 

"No, I can't. Did you see how many people are out there?" 

"Yep. And they'll all love you. Haven't you been listening tonight? They're totally loving the show." 

"I don't know. I don't think I can." 

Xander put his hands on Andrew's shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "Yes, you can." 

Andrew nervously swallowed. "Who all's out there?" 

"Everybody." 

Andrew shook his head and stepped away from Xander. "I can't do it." 

"You're on after the next monologue," Xander said as a group of girls came off and Andrew cued the next girl to go on. "Take a couple of deep breaths and you'll be fine." 

Andrew pulled a small object out of his pocket. "I can't. You do it." 

"What's this?" Xander unfolded the paper and slowly looked it over. "This is fabulous. You have to do it." 

"I can't." 

The girl came off and Miranda's voice came over the headset. "It's your turn, Tiger. Knock 'em out." 

Andrew pressed the button. "One sec." He looked pleadingly at Xander. "*Please*." 

"'One sec'?" she replied. "What's going on?" 

Andrew couldn't explain the terror that had gripped him. He knew that it was more than just stage fright, since he had been up onstage numerous times at Sunnydale High. He wanted to do the monologue - to make a stand but in the end, he just wasn't ready. "Nothing. Xander, please just -" 

"What is going on? Is everything all right?" 

"Yeah, everything's fine, Miranda. *Xander* -" 

"Okay, okay," Xander replied. "For you." 

Andrew breathed a sigh of relief as Xander walked out onto the stage. "What the hell was that about?" Miranda asked. 

"I'm sorry, Miranda," Andrew replied. "I just...I freaked out." 

"Don't worry about it. It was probably just stage fright. Now be quiet, I want to hear your monologue." 

By that time, Xander had reached the mic at the center of the stage and was adjusting the stand's height. "Sorry for the delay," he said. "Our fabulous stage manager is dealing with a very minor situation back stage, so I'll be filling in." 

After a slight pause, Xander continued in a quieter voice. "Too much. Too little. Too thick. Too thin. Not enough. Never enough. I don't want this, but I want you. I hate this, but I love you. I can't take this, but I need you. I worshipped the ground you walked on, but one day found that it was putrid. How did we get here? Where did we make the turn? How did things get so screwed up? 

"You know what? I'll be honest. I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You took too much of me before and I'm not going to let you do it now that you're gone. I'm stronger than that, stronger than you. How was I able to stand the pain? The fear? The self-loathing and disgust? You used my body against me, now I'm going to use it against you. I'm not going to keep quiet. I'm not going to be afraid. I'm not going to lie down and die. I'm just enough on my own. And you're not." 

Xander took a quick bow to the applause before exiting the stage. 

Andrew mingled at the after party, receiving compliments on the show and on his monologue and generally feeling like a weight had been lifted. He knew it would have been better if he had done the monologue himself, but doing it vicariously through Xander seemed to rub just as good a soothing balm over his wounds as he thought doing it himself might have. He exchanged a few words with some of the people and answered questions about the various programs the Crisis Center had and how they could get involved. But most of the time, he watched Xander across the room, who seemed to be holding a court of sorts. Andrew had to admit he was attracted to Xander, and not just in a "he makes me feel safe" sort of way anymore. He was definitely, genuinely, attracted to him. He would have analyzed it further, but Buffy came over to Andrew. "I'm sorry," she said. 

"About what?" he replied, even though he was almost positive what she meant. 

"I said some stuff to Xander earlier today about this whole thing and I wasn't very nice. I'm sorry." 

Andrew didn't exactly know how to respond, since what she had said still stung, but he knew she was being sincere. "It's okay. I forgive you." He took a sip of his soda and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm glad you were able to learn something tonight."

 

When they got home that night, Andrew placed a hand on Xander's arm. "Thanks for earlier. That meant a lot to me." 

"You're very welcome," Xander said as they hung their coats in the closet. When they reached the doorway to go to their rooms, they paused again, as if expecting something. "Well, good night," Xander replied after a moment. 

Seeing something out of the corner of his eye, Andrew looked up. "Look," he said with a giggle, "the mistletoe's still hanging over the door. I guess we better kiss so we don't have bad luck or something." 

"Yeah, that might be a good idea," Xander replied. 

Their second kiss was much like their first. It started out soft and tentative, but grew bolder as they became more confident. As they kissed, Xander's arms wrapped around Andrew and gently pulled him closer and Andrew cupped Xander's face with his hands. 

Xander slowly broke off the kiss. "Wow," he said, a little breathless. 

"I know," Andrew replied as he stepped back and out of the embrace, reluctant to put space between himself and Xander, but feeling odd at staying so close. Xander didn't say anything, but as the moments ticked by, Andrew could tell he was thinking about something. "What are you thinking?" he finally asked. 

"Too many things," Xander replied softly. 

"Hopefully good things." 

Xander smiled. "They are." After a pause, he said, "We should get to sleep." 

Andrew nodded before stepping forward to give Xander a chaste kiss on the lips. Xander tentatively deepened it and Andrew comfortably let him. Xander's hands slowly and gently caressed Andrew's back over top his t-shirt. The soft touches felt good and sent warm tingles rushing throughout Andrew's body before finally pooling in his groin. Andrew knew he was becoming aroused and hoped Xander didn't notice until he shifted slightly and felt the bulge of Xander's hardening member brush against his stomach. Andrew quickly and instinctively broke off the kiss and put space between them. 

Quickly and apologetically, he said, "I'm sorry. Good night," before rushing into his room and closing the door, leaving a disheartened Xander in his wake. 

The next morning, Xander was already up when Andrew emerged from the bathroom. Setting a full coffee mug on the counter, Xander said, "Sorry about last night." 

"There's nothing to apologize for," Andrew replied, not meeting Xander's eyes as he took the mug and started pouring sugar into it. 

"Are you sure?" Xander took a sip from his own mug. "Because normally you have no problem looking at me in the morning." 

Andrew paused and looked up at him. "I just - I feel bad for running out on you last night." 

"It's completely understandable. Things got a bit out of hand and you reacted on instinct. Same thing any of us would have done - especially in your situation." 

Andrew sighed. "I know. But I don't want that to be a factor any more." 

Xander smiled reassuringly. "I'm sure that one day it won't be."

 

A couple of days later, Rona and Andrew were sharing another break. "I want to set you up on a date," she said. 

"Why?" Andrew asked, confused. 

"Because I think it'll be good for you - you know, get out and meet new people." 

"I don't think I'm ready yet." 

"I think you'll like him. He's definitely your type." 

"*Rona*...." 

"It doesn't even have to be a *date* date. Just a 'going out to have fun with someone' sort of date. In a very public place. Think about it, okay?" 

"All right, I'll think about it."

 

Andrew did think about it - for a week. As he turned the idea over in his mind, he couldn't think of a good reason to not do it, aside from the obvious. But he hoped that this was one of those things that held the same maxim as lightning - it never struck the same place twice. When he told her, he wasn't sure if he had told her he'd go on a blind date or that she'd won the lottery. 

When the appointed day came, Xander had left early, saying that he didn't want to be in the way. Andrew idly wished that Xander was still there to meet his date and threaten him or make him leave or something if the need arose. And he also wondered if going on a blind date would be considered cheating if you had only tentatively agreed to maybe one day start dating someone. There was a knock on the door and Andrew stopped his pacing to open it. His mouth dropped when he saw Xander, standing in the hall holding a bag in his hand. 

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Did you forget your keys?" 

"I'm, um, your blind date," Xander said nervously, but he plunged on. "Look, I think we might've gotten off on the wrong foot with this whole relationship thing, so I want to give it another shot. Will you let me?" 

Andrew nodded warily and let him into the apartment. 

"I have some things for you," Xander said. Placing the bag on the floor and pulling out some roses, he handed them to Andrew individually. "A red rose for love, respect, and courage. A light pink rose for admiration. A yellow rose for friendship, joy, and gladness. And a white rose for innocence, purity, and charm." Then he pulled a stuffed white teddy bear wearing a pirate outfit out of the bag and handed it to Andrew. "I would have gotten him a prince outfit, but I couldn't find one. I hope this is the next best thing." 

"It's great," Andrew replied, taking the bear. 

"So, what do you say?" 

"I'll do it," Andrew said with a smile. 

Xander grinned. "Great." 

As they left to get dinner and a movie, Andrew couldn't have been happier. And he knew, deep down, he had defeated the dragons.


End file.
